Real Talk

She felt it in her bones.

An exhaustion she only knew how to explain away with excuses.

She would wake each morning, expecting to open her eyes and feel like she had slept for 8 hours {because she had} only to find herself still packing the weight of exhaustion on her eyelids.

She saw it in her dull smile, her lacking lustre skin, and her inability to squeal with excitement like she once had…about anything.

She’d find herself hunched over her laptop most afternoons after a hefty ritual of caffeination, only to stare blankly at the screen and that not so subtle nagging inbox she hadn’t gotten to all week. Her mind twisted and trickled it’s way through her normal daily tasks, each night crawling back into bed only to spend half an hour desperately wandering instagram for some “inspo”.

And her creativity..well that had taken a sabbatical unannounced.

And then Mondays, oh god Mondays.

Her relationships, her work, her patience with herself, were all slowly diminishing.

And.. she was running out of coffee. And wine.

The excuses all sounded so reasonable tho…

“I think I’m getting my period.”

“I’ve been working a lot.”

“Maybe I’m fighting something.”

“The kids have a lot going on.”

“I’m just not happy.” She would say to her partner.

“I’ve just been so busy lately.” She would say to her friends.

And then her damn life coach asked a question she couldn’t step over. “What are you tired of?”

Her shoulders shrank down as the storm she had been holding in her chest started to run down her cheeks, “I am tired of lacing fancy curtains around how I really feel. I am tired of my needs not mattering…to me. I am tired of only having fun on the weekends, if that. I want to be happy, and passionate, and alive like I used to be before life got stressful.”

You see, for months she had been doing a lot.

Choosing to put everything and anything in front of herself.

It started small.

She tried to fit her massage appointments into her work schedule. Unsuccessfully.

When those voices in her head got louder, she ignored them harder.

When she craved more fun, she said “when I’m done work.”

When she wanted to speak up, she thought “naw, just be nice.”

When she desired to “feel-good”, she would share spiritual quotes and “just think positive.”

Self care had turned into a salad for lunch and her only trick for wellbeing at the moment was well… wine.

She was holding so tight just to keep it all together, thinking that anything negative was well…negative so she simply couldn’t let go. But slowly and surely, every time she stepped over her needs, every moment she denied herself what she wanted, every time she didn’t listen or honour herself, she lost a little more sparkle.

And then….with that simple question, something she felt like she been waiting for someone to ask her for months….

She Let Go.

She cried. She said all the things.

She got honest with herself. She got honest with her life.

She stopped trying to avoid, fill voids and carry the burden and started closing the gaps in her life instead.

She took on a jade egg practice.

She started meditating. Especially when she was busy.

She said No.

She said YES.

She did her work. From passion.

She remembered she had a choice. Everywhere.

She drank water. Lots of it.

She started dancing and singing in the shower.

She started looking at herself in the mirror. Really looking.

She remembered her beautiful, bountiful femininity.

She wore lipstick because she liked it.

She drank wine because she wanted to, not because she needed to.

She played. She moved her body. She celebrated herself.

She committed to putting herself first. today. tomorrow. and all the days in the foreseeable future.

She remembered her powerful and sacred connection to life’s rhythms. She remembered who she was.

And along the way she reunited with passion and pleasure as the pathway to what she wanted most in life.

She remembered that when we cut ourselves off from the very essence of what lights us up as women, we feel the dig of each of the 1000 paper cuts and spend the rest of the time simply piling avoidance strategies on top of it. Gradually tuning out our inner knowings and we suddenly find our needs in the category of “optional”. Then life takes place on default and that radiant shine we are known for, gets tucked behind caffeine and “have-tos.”

Now, when she feels the heaviness creeping in with the stress du jour, she lets her hair down, puts on some 90’s R&B and moves her hips. She knows when its time to listen in on herself, honour herself, nurture herself, to let her life be art.

So, if you’re finding yourself in the heaviness of your life, feeling the exhaustion in your bones, remember that if you stop, even for a moment, to simply collect your true self, to shake off the stuckedness, and regroup, nothing {I promise you} will fall apart. In fact, everything may just come together.

September 9, 2018 0 comment
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